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Haha, you may have heard about Hillary Clinton’s victory in Pennsylvania over Barack Obama, but who really gives a fuck? There are more important news to worry about right now! For example, there are penis snatchers on the loose in Congo. Yes, these evil sorcerers use their black magic to make your cock disappear. If you see someone with a gold ring on, they’re probably an evil sorcerer out to steal your penis, so lynch them immediately! After providing the world with more AIDS than a 1980s rock band, Africa is now pioneering the art of penis snatching through witchcraft.

In other news, Australians have been beating off non-stop for months, maybe even years, to figure out if it helps prevent prostate cancer. And it does. Yes, that’s right, frequent masturbation helps prevent prostate cancer! Next time your wife or girlfriend catches you masturbating to the finest porn available on the Internet, just tell her you’re fighting cancer. She will be obligated to join in and give you a hand, otherwise she’s pretty much saying she wants you to get cancer and that’s not nice.

Note: Bold links are to genuine news articles. Everything else is hot, juicy porn.

So I was reading through some news articles a few minutes ago and came across this one about the crowning of the new Miss USA. This year’s all-American fuck fantasy is from Texas and she’s 26 years old… and black. And she’s not even a scandalous whore. What is this world coming to when beauty pageants aren’t won by stupid bitches and judged by racists who pick the winner based on who fucked the panel of judges in the dirtiest way?

But maybe I spoke too soon. Maybe it just takes a few days to dig up a scandal on this girl and she’s really a fucking hellbound cum dumpster who got fisted by all the judges ten minutes before she had to go get her makeup done for 3 hours to make sure they hide her acne-scar-ridden face and signs of a horrible meth addiction. Yes, yes. Maybe she’s the filthiest skank of them all and has maggots in her cooch. Who knows? All I know is that I’ll be vigorously masturbating at the thought of her doing coke off a dead hooker’s asshole while Donald Trump shoves carrots in her dirty butt. That should hold me over while I wait for the real story on this slag.

In other news, Barack Obama is evil and wants all white people to die, Hillary Clinton is going to stop crime by putting every gun in the United States of America in her twat… and John McCain finally gets to defend something other than the Republican party as a whole because Mr. Bush has managed to ride them all straight into the shitter. Voting is overrated. Just smoke crack and get AIDS instead.