Haha, you may have heard about Hillary Clinton’s victory in Pennsylvania over Barack Obama, but who really gives a fuck? There are more important news to worry about right now! For example, there are penis snatchers on the loose in Congo. Yes, these evil sorcerers use their black magic to make your cock disappear. If you see someone with a gold ring on, they’re probably an evil sorcerer out to steal your penis, so lynch them immediately! After providing the world with more AIDS than a 1980s rock band, Africa is now pioneering the art of penis snatching through witchcraft.
In other news, Australians have been beating off non-stop for months, maybe even years, to figure out if it helps prevent prostate cancer. And it does. Yes, that’s right, frequent masturbation helps prevent prostate cancer! Next time your wife or girlfriend catches you masturbating to the finest porn available on the Internet, just tell her you’re fighting cancer. She will be obligated to join in and give you a hand, otherwise she’s pretty much saying she wants you to get cancer and that’s not nice.
Note: Bold links are to genuine news articles. Everything else is hot, juicy porn.
