The Fucking Halloween Special
All you need to know about Halloween customs, costumes and sugar overdoses!
On October 31st of this year, Halloween will be here once again and it'll be time to hand out candy to little brats, get eggs catapulted at your house by fucking teenagers and attend shitty Halloween parties to see people dress up like whores, vaginas and beer kegs. This is the most fun you'll have in the terribly worthless month of October, so you better be prepared to make this night memorable. That's where I come in with my crazy-ass Halloween special to educate you about the customs, costumes, candy and sexy babes Halloween has to offer.
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What the fuck is Halloween and why do we celebrate it?
If your parents didn't teach you all about Halloween when you were a kid, they're stupid fuckholes... but I'll just make up for it with a quick little history lesson here. Halloween -- originally called All Hallows Eve, because it's the night before All Hallows Day/All Saints Day -- started out as a harvest festival in Ireland. Halloween is supposedly the night of the year when magic is most potent and the spiritual world can make contact with the physical world. This, of course, is complete bullshit and we don't really give a shit about it, but you can read more about the essence and origin of Halloween here. Today, the most important aspects of Halloween are crazy decorations, scary costumes, weird customs, heavy drinking at parties and, most importantly, commercial exploitation.
Halloween babes! Some think it's Halloween all year long!
Appropriate for Halloween, I've got some babes to share with you fuckers. A few of these girls seem like they dress up in Halloween fashion every day of the year! Some even have the tattoos and piercings to go with the whole "I'm a goth with about to fuck you in the ass with my broomstick" look. If you're into weird chicks, you'll thoroughly enjoy these gems of horror!
Halloween costumes! Dress like a fucking idiot or whore and get away with it!
Yes, yes... Halloween is the night to wear whatever the fuck you please without hearing any type of bitching. If someone attempts to scold you for wearing nothing but a sock or shooting bottle rockets out of your asshole as a costume idea, tell them, "Fuck off, it's Halloween!" Unwritten law will require them to shut the crapper (crapper = their mouth) and mind their own business as you indulge in public nudity and/or scorch your dirthole. There are only two rules for Halloween costumes and they are: 1. Be original. ...and... 2. Don't kill yourself. (Note: You must only abide by Rule #2 if you intend to return to the Fucking Motherfucker web site to purchase pornography or other items. If that isn't the case, feel free to commit suicide.)
Examples of costumes!
The following costumes have been deemed appropriate for Halloween by the Fucking Motherfucker staff -- myself -- and you have 'our' permission to wear them as you see fit. If you have some better costume ideas, send them in.
For the ladies... because you know you want to dress like a dirty prostitute!
For the fellas... so you can look like a total retard one night of the year!
Halloween customs! Decorate and hand out candy!
There are really only two important customs to remember when it comes to Halloween. Unlike conventional holidays that are actually backed by some type of religion, Halloween allows you to pretty much do whatever the fuck you want. Put some fake dead people on your front lawn and splatter fake blood all over your porch (unless you're emo and have real blood at your disposal of course). Or turn your home into a haunted house, hire people to run around wearing crazy costumes whilst screaming obscenities and invite children in to have the everliving shit scared out of them. If you can seriously make someone get so scared that they shit their pants in your haunted house, you win!
The only real requirement for Halloween is that you have enough candy in your house to feed the entire population under the age of 30 of your neighborhood. All these people may show up expecting candy. If you don't provide them with the requested candy, they will throw eggs at your house. In case you run out of candy, it's best to keep some type of weapon in the house to defend yourself in case neighborhood children go nuts. I suggest purchasing a machine gun or a crossbow with the appropriate ammunition. Don't hesitate to shoot anyone setting foot on your lawn. It may be all fun and games to them, until you shoot their best friend in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun. Fucking kids...
Drinking only makes things better!
This is true. Halloween is another one of those nights that you can utilize as an excuse to get completely plastered, prior to passing out on someone's driveway and pissing your pants. If you don't fall asleep in a combination of your own bodily fluids, then you didn't party hard enough. Heavy, illegal drug use is also a good idea. You thought hallucinating was crazy before? Try hallucinating when people are dressed like monsters and whores all around you! If you overdose and die, at least you died on a memorable night like Halloween. It's best to mix whiskey with cocaine in large quanities (however much you can afford) to achieve the best results. Also eat whatever you feel like, because it may very well be your last meal.
This is what happens... when you enjoy Halloween with lots of alcohol, cocaine and happiness!
Everything else you need for Halloween on one list!
To finish up my Fucking Halloween Special, here's a quick list of items you should check out prior to October 31st this year! Extreme Pumpkin Carving | Buy Costumes | Halloween Movies | Halloween History | Halloween Magazine | Halloween Recipes | Wanda's Halloween Cookbook at HalloweenKitchen.com | Halloween at Amazon.com | Halloween Videos at YouTube.com | Funny Halloween Videos at YouTube.com
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